I never read these books as a kid. I watched the TV show and don’t remember much from it. I kind of watched almost anything on TV when I was young. So I’m going into this fairly fresh. All I DO know is it’s about some alien stopping other aliens from invading Earth by…giving teenagers the power to turn into animals? Is that gonna save the world? I don’t even. ANYWAY let’s do this…

My name is Jake. That’s my first name, obviously.

Why the hell wouldn’t we think that?

I can’t tell you my last name. It would be too dangerous.

Oh I see what you did there…That wasn’t clever.

The Controllers are everywhere.

EVERYWHERE?

Everywhere.

My God.

I won’t even tell you where I live. You’ll just have to trust me that it is a real place, a real town.

It may even be your town.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????????

I’m writing this all down so that more people will learn the truth.

Well at least you’re not constantly filming yourself running around accomplishing nothing while you get other people roped in to your bullshit with you like SOME FICTIONAL PEOPLE.

I’d had kind of a bad day at school. I’d tried out for the basketball team and I didn’t make the cut.

It was like no big deal, really. Except that Tom - he’s my big brother - he was this total legend on the junior high basketball team.

Can anyone really be “legend” in JUNIOR-high?

Tom and I hadn’t been hanging out as much. Not like we used to. So I figured, you know, if I got his old position on the team …

Well, anyway,

I doubt the survivors of the alien invasion give a shit about your faltering relationship with your older brother, kid. TELL THEM ABOUT THE INVASION! IT’S THE NAME OF THE BOOK.

I actually met Tobias when he had his head in a toilet. There were these two big guys holding him down and laughing while they flushed, sending Tobias’s straggly blond hair swirling around the bowl.

That last phrase is actually the most well-written one in the book so far. I find this hilarious.

Rachel is kind of pretty, I guess. I mean, okay, she’s very pretty, although, since she is my cousin, I don’t really think about her that way.

But you just DID, dude. This whole thing is like a stream-of-consciousness diary entry thing. You’re about to describe her objectively, but you had to start off with how pretty you totally don’t think she is? I’m keeping my eye on you, Jake…

I guess you could say I kind of like Cassie.

You “KIND OF like” your cousin’s black friend, but your cousin is “very pretty.” I’m not sure if you’re incestuous or racist, but you’re definitely something. I’ll find out…I’M ONTO YOU!!

“You guys going home?” I asked Rachel. “You shouldn’t go through the construction site by yourselves. I mean, being girls and all.”

Jake I officially don’t like you. Sure you’re a kid, but if I don’t like you this makes it more fun when bad stuff happens. I have a method to my madness.

I should never have suggested to Rachel that she’s weak or helpless. Rachel may look like Little Miss Teen Model or whatever, but she thinks she’s Storm from the X-Men.

Wait, RACHEL thinks she’s storm? And she has a black best friend…Does she want to be black? Is she one of THOSE people? Headcanon: Rachel is a gangsta white gurl.

So, there we were. The five of us - Marco, Tobias, Rachel, Cassie, and me. Five normal mall rats heading home.

You’re not a mall rat until you argue about whether the cookie stand is part of the food court. Shit now I wanna watch that movie…

Sometimes I think about that one, last moment when we were still just normal kids. It’s like it was a million years ago, like it was some totally different group of kids. You know what I was afraid of right then?

Rachel finding out she gives you an incest-boner? Cassie stealing your bike? Mimes? It’s mimes, right?

I was afraid of admitting to Tom that I hadn’t made the team.

Oh that’s still a thing. Whatever…

Five minutes later, life got a lot scarier.

AW YEAH STUFF’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW!

To get home from the mall we could either go a long way around, which is the safe way, or we could cut through this abandoned construction site and hope there weren’t any ax murderers hanging around there. My mom and dad have sworn to ground me until I’m twenty if they ever find out I’ve cut through the construction site.

So anyway, we crossed the road and headed into the abandoned construction site.

Okay props to Animorphs, that was funny. I wasn’t expecting that, but ONLY because I wasn’t expecting anything good.

He had been walking along, gazing up at the sky. I guess he was looking at the stars or something. That’s the way Tobias is sometimes - off in his own world.

FORESHADOWING.

But Cassie just blurted it right out. “It’s a flying saucer!”

I would’ve shit if Jake ended the sentence with “Just like she does at the movies.” Why do I want Jake to be a horrible person so badly?

BECAUSE IT’S HILARIOUS.

Chapter 2 coming probably never I have so much other stuff I have to do and none of you care I’m amazed if you read all of this good bye.